Do you habitually allow obligations to work, school, family, church, etc. to interfere with spending time with your significant other? Or maybe you frequently put off doing things for yourself to make sure that the needs of your significant other are met. Either way, you could very well be in a “back burner” relationship. That is, you either put your own needs on a back burner to appease the one you love, or you place your love life on a back burner to meet the goals you have set for yourself. While both of these scenarios could be damaging to a potentially happy and lasting relationship, there are ways to help ensure that your love connection does not end up totally burned out.
In response to an impromptu social media invitation, two couples shared stories of how they approached their back burner issues.
Nina and Ryan: Nina was a graduate student in a master’s program, and was involved in multiple service learning projects. She also had a part-time job at a local nonprofit, which meant she had little time to plan their upcoming wedding. Ryan was working toward a promotion to a district bank manager position. As a Marine reservist, he was also away from Nina one weekend out of each month. They both were usually working during the day, and Nina attended class two nights a week.
Paul and Carolyn: Paul was a dentist, and Carolyn was a stay at home mom who was heavily involved in church and some civic organizations. They had been married for nine years, and they had two children. Soccer games and dance performances for both children took up a lot of Carolyn's time on weekends. This meant that between obligations to church and community, she was always busy making sure her children and husband had everything they needed at home, and she was usually the one to transport the kids and some of their team members to and from practice. Paul was always busy during the day as well. At night, he often had to attend to his ailing mother, who was determined to live alone after the death of his father.
Both couples were on the verge of relationship disaster because they rarely spent time together and because responsibilities were not equally shared. They made a couple of decisions that they say changed their lives for the better. Ryan and Nina committed to meeting at home for lunch one day each week, and they agreed to postpone wedding arrangements until Nina graduated from college. Paul committed to taking the kids to practice one day a week, and he hired a home-health aid to attend to his mother two nights each week. Carolyn was then able to manage a few hours per week that were just for her.
Here are just a few simple tips for keeping your relationship off of the back burner:
Communicate ~ Always be honest and open with your significant other about the things you
like, as well as things you might be averse to. Doing things that you don't like just to appease your partner only creates tension and resentment. It's okay, and quite healthy, to have some "alone time" as well. Just make sure that you both understand that alone time does not mean "I don't want to spend time with you". Also, every once in a while, set your phones aside so that social media or work distractions don't interfere with your attempts to communicate with each other
Compromise ~ Find a way to share the load. Having other obligations should not sentence you to missing out on the connection you share with your significant other. Devote a little bit of time to mapping out your schedules and see where there might be an overlap in them. Commit to doing something together during that time at least once a week. Try to make it on a different day of the week so that it is more spontaneous and less routine.
Centralize ~ Even when schedule overlap does not allow for a meetup with your partner, you can still try to perform important tasks in the same place and at the same time as often as possible. You have to study for an exam or get ready for a work presentation, and your significant other has a report to write for their boss. Grab your laptop or tablet, and throw on the headphones...just do it in the same space.
Call in Reinforcements ~ It's important to have a support system. If your job, your kids, or other obligations keep you running in directions that consistently take you away from your significant other, then call on friends or family who might be willing to stand in for you every now and then. Maybe aunts or uncles can transport kids, or your bff can pick up groceries while they're in the store. (Send the funds through Zelle or some other fancy money sharing app.) Family and friends want to see you in a healthy place in your relationship, and you'd be surprised at their willingness to make "date night" possible for you if you simply ask.
Getting a relationship off of a back burner (or keeping it from getting there at all) takes a little creativity and a lot of work. Don't be afraid to put in the work to make (or rekindle) a real love connection.